Testing Me!
There are many things going on here for me. Many things that I am not sure how to vent out. Many questions that I may not have an answer to.
Here it is Sunday and I feel as if I have not done anything all weekend. I have been on the go and continue doing and going at things left and right. Today I managed to get in a couple hours of napping after my mood got horrible. I mean so horrible. Here lately my moods have been so bad that I can not tell who is having more problems me or John. I am scheduled for a doctor's appointment for my shoulder and I have promised my best friend that I would talk to the doctor about my moods. The have been coming and going alot during many periods and now I see that they are bad when I have cried for 2 days this past week. Just things hit me wrong and either piss me off or hurt my feelings.
Alyssa's mother tends to hit me wrong every time I speak with her here lately. She is starting to bugg for more money. Which is not going to be able to happen. I hate it for her. I just can not see where she is putting in equal to what John is putting in for the child. I want to be explained to where she is putting $600 a month every month. That is $300 coming from JOhn. Hell, I have a child of my own and we don't spend that much on that child every month. You know? I have tossed that about alot here lately. Of course I know Alyssa is in school and that is costing but some of the shit she is telling me is senseless. Like breakfast at school costing $10 a week. Why can't she feed her at home before she leaves the house. They have things quick and that the child will eat. Of course that takes effort for her to get her butt out of bed to do it. Then you have lunch of $2 a day, okay I got that and it is needed. Then there is snack that is whatever. What is wrong with sending that for her instead of buying it there at the school? We shall see what she has to come up with when it comes to her receipts and expenses for the child. I am anxious to see this and through my thoughts out there.
This weekend she decided to call me up and tell me that John was not spending enough time with Alyssa and she was upset after coming home from being with us. She also says that she thinks we should go to every other weekend on the visitations. I just say WTF ever. John has not made any differences in the kids at all. Alyssa is 5 and has this jealous issue going on because of Jessica. Which is definitely expected. I decided to ask Alyssa to tell us what she liked and disliked about being at the house and then at her mother's house. Seems that she is giving me the same answers. She wants both parents to give her more attention. She says that John is always on the computer and she would like his attention but her mother is wanting her to always play outside and never carries her to the park anymore like she once did. That could be what has to do with the attitude over there. I even tried to talk to her mother about the behavior problems we see and then what would you know.. she had to get off the phone and she never called me back. She refuses for some reason to talk to me about the behavior coming from over there. But I really hate to tell her that all of this is about to come to a head because she is really going to have to sit down and talk to use about everything before I give her anything.
My job is slow right now. We are still hearing that things are going to change as of the first of the year. I am not so sure what exactly that means for me. We shall see. I am sure all things will be fine though. I am still trying to find another house and how to get it built to our dream because I don't want to have to build another house. And I won't. I want so much to move home and be happy and have things to be much better for me. I am just not sure that will happen or even how to make it happen.
Things are so so here at home. Still good and bad times hit every so often. More so than what I would like. I am still wondering when things will all get back to the normal. Still wondering how much more I have to put up with before I explode. I am scared of that. I am scared that one day there is going to be one to much and I will have an explosion. My temper has been getting higher every time I get mad. My attitude is getting worse with every event. I feel like I am the time bomb waiting to go off right now. The stresses hit harder and everyone has there own diagnosis of what is going on with me. I on the other hand am not sure if it is me trying to handle everything or hold everyone together and feeling like it is a helpless cause.
Here it is Sunday and I feel as if I have not done anything all weekend. I have been on the go and continue doing and going at things left and right. Today I managed to get in a couple hours of napping after my mood got horrible. I mean so horrible. Here lately my moods have been so bad that I can not tell who is having more problems me or John. I am scheduled for a doctor's appointment for my shoulder and I have promised my best friend that I would talk to the doctor about my moods. The have been coming and going alot during many periods and now I see that they are bad when I have cried for 2 days this past week. Just things hit me wrong and either piss me off or hurt my feelings.
Alyssa's mother tends to hit me wrong every time I speak with her here lately. She is starting to bugg for more money. Which is not going to be able to happen. I hate it for her. I just can not see where she is putting in equal to what John is putting in for the child. I want to be explained to where she is putting $600 a month every month. That is $300 coming from JOhn. Hell, I have a child of my own and we don't spend that much on that child every month. You know? I have tossed that about alot here lately. Of course I know Alyssa is in school and that is costing but some of the shit she is telling me is senseless. Like breakfast at school costing $10 a week. Why can't she feed her at home before she leaves the house. They have things quick and that the child will eat. Of course that takes effort for her to get her butt out of bed to do it. Then you have lunch of $2 a day, okay I got that and it is needed. Then there is snack that is whatever. What is wrong with sending that for her instead of buying it there at the school? We shall see what she has to come up with when it comes to her receipts and expenses for the child. I am anxious to see this and through my thoughts out there.
This weekend she decided to call me up and tell me that John was not spending enough time with Alyssa and she was upset after coming home from being with us. She also says that she thinks we should go to every other weekend on the visitations. I just say WTF ever. John has not made any differences in the kids at all. Alyssa is 5 and has this jealous issue going on because of Jessica. Which is definitely expected. I decided to ask Alyssa to tell us what she liked and disliked about being at the house and then at her mother's house. Seems that she is giving me the same answers. She wants both parents to give her more attention. She says that John is always on the computer and she would like his attention but her mother is wanting her to always play outside and never carries her to the park anymore like she once did. That could be what has to do with the attitude over there. I even tried to talk to her mother about the behavior problems we see and then what would you know.. she had to get off the phone and she never called me back. She refuses for some reason to talk to me about the behavior coming from over there. But I really hate to tell her that all of this is about to come to a head because she is really going to have to sit down and talk to use about everything before I give her anything.
My job is slow right now. We are still hearing that things are going to change as of the first of the year. I am not so sure what exactly that means for me. We shall see. I am sure all things will be fine though. I am still trying to find another house and how to get it built to our dream because I don't want to have to build another house. And I won't. I want so much to move home and be happy and have things to be much better for me. I am just not sure that will happen or even how to make it happen.
Things are so so here at home. Still good and bad times hit every so often. More so than what I would like. I am still wondering when things will all get back to the normal. Still wondering how much more I have to put up with before I explode. I am scared of that. I am scared that one day there is going to be one to much and I will have an explosion. My temper has been getting higher every time I get mad. My attitude is getting worse with every event. I feel like I am the time bomb waiting to go off right now. The stresses hit harder and everyone has there own diagnosis of what is going on with me. I on the other hand am not sure if it is me trying to handle everything or hold everyone together and feeling like it is a helpless cause.
posted by Christy at 5:46 PM
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