Close to Christmas!
It is so close to Christmas now that everyone is getting so joyous. I on the other hand am getting stressed out. I need a vacation. Last year this time I was depressed because John was not home for this time of year. This year he is home but things are not flowing smoothly by any means. There is still so much to do and so many things that I would like to get done but no time to do it in.
I sit here at work 2 days from vacation for a week dreading that vacation coming. Dreading what may come about with it. You ask how can someone dread a vacation? Oh let me count the ways.
1. I have never and will never be able to be a stay at home mommy. My child loves to drive me to insanity. I will have a 1year old home with me 24/7, my husband, 26, when he is not working away from home, and then the room mate, 23, that is also suppose to be off for a week. They all seem to want to have the same moods at the same time and bicker but without bickering it out right. Thank goodness the one year old has a limited vocabulary right now or else I woudl be in trouble.
2. Being home means I will find many many things to get done at the house and probably stay home alot of days and nights and not really want out of the house. I have my list started and am checking it twice on things that I should be getting done. It is that one time of year when I can really clean and toss things out. I plan to take full advantage of that somehow.
3. The chaos right now with John starting the business is getting on my last nerve. At first I thought this was going to be tougher on me with stresses and such but that is not the bad part of things. I am handling that well and even doing my best to make things easier on them to get it up and going. (Smacks in head that I offered out help once again.) But I had to realize that that is the last straw of things. I have to make things work out for him and if I have to stay on his butt then so be it. The worst part is handling an irritated boy that won't jump in on things but then gets grumpy with everything going on around him. That I don't handle to well. I can manage my house and kids but grown boys that won't talk but then I get the bunt of all things and suppose to make it glide ain't working.
I have decided to draw my fine line. I can not and won't handle much more crap from people but for once in my life my kids are getting to where I can enjoy them. I have gotten so tired of playing ref for people that won't find different means of getting along. These are grown-ups or so they say. I found it hard to ask for the help that I needed from them but now I am to that point where damn I am tired of being the one to handle everything that comes our way. I am tired of being the one to play cake maker and make things smooth. I am just worn out so hard when I get up from sleeping or when I go to bed that I don't enjoy much. I told my husband the other night I am sick and tired of just walking day in and day out. I am ready to enjoy my life.
He and I are working on getting better. He and I have been talking more and finding more time for each other. This had become such a huge problem for us. I think that he thought I was working against him in everyway possible to hold him back. That started to hurt my feelings and make me cold for him. The way things were I loved him but I was not allowing me to be anywhere close to relying upon him nor did I feel the attraction for him. Some way some how we were both letting everything else consume us that the we that we were once was slowly being lost in the distant. That was hurting to much for me so I had tried to find the excuse for it. There was not one! In our conversation I had to put it to him like this, "In our relationship we have never had anything for us easy going and riding smoothly. There have always been problems for us to find time together. Weather it was me working at night, Him working at night, or just plan out busy schedules but when we were dating we always found time to get together and do something. If nothing but to sit on the couch cuddling on the couch watching movies. Now that we have married nothing changed, we still have different work schedules and him that left for a year but now there are kids involved but we let ourselves slide day in and day out without one thought of the other and how we can find that time to bond. That had to be worked out for our sake because I could not keep on. I could not manage everything and everyone and be there because I was the one suffering through this life." I have realized that in this life you get one time together to enjoy. I am getting older and things are not so great to handle at times but sometimes you do have to say enough.
I am to that point in my life that I want to enjoy my next years happily. Not playing routine lady that can be tossed anything to handle. I want off my anti-depressants, I want more time for me, I want more time for my children. And most importantly if I could have my sanity I want that back too.
Last night we had company, haha we always do. Well, our friend had his son over. Of course the kid was aggrevating per say and I had already said something about putting make up and a bra on him just out of teasing. Well, he dared to continue on about being able to take me. This lead into a wrestling match in my living room and down the hall way. Believe it or not kids are stout nowdays. My weight was overpowering or should have been anyways. But this child could lift me but did have little problems doing so. I had to give in at that one. In doing this to this baby I had a good time. I remember the good old days when I could wrestle like that with my cousin but the only thing is I was not much for overpowering then. :) Of course I felt the age later on but I won't admit anything to him!
Enough of my babble.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS ALL!
I sit here at work 2 days from vacation for a week dreading that vacation coming. Dreading what may come about with it. You ask how can someone dread a vacation? Oh let me count the ways.
1. I have never and will never be able to be a stay at home mommy. My child loves to drive me to insanity. I will have a 1year old home with me 24/7, my husband, 26, when he is not working away from home, and then the room mate, 23, that is also suppose to be off for a week. They all seem to want to have the same moods at the same time and bicker but without bickering it out right. Thank goodness the one year old has a limited vocabulary right now or else I woudl be in trouble.
2. Being home means I will find many many things to get done at the house and probably stay home alot of days and nights and not really want out of the house. I have my list started and am checking it twice on things that I should be getting done. It is that one time of year when I can really clean and toss things out. I plan to take full advantage of that somehow.
3. The chaos right now with John starting the business is getting on my last nerve. At first I thought this was going to be tougher on me with stresses and such but that is not the bad part of things. I am handling that well and even doing my best to make things easier on them to get it up and going. (Smacks in head that I offered out help once again.) But I had to realize that that is the last straw of things. I have to make things work out for him and if I have to stay on his butt then so be it. The worst part is handling an irritated boy that won't jump in on things but then gets grumpy with everything going on around him. That I don't handle to well. I can manage my house and kids but grown boys that won't talk but then I get the bunt of all things and suppose to make it glide ain't working.
I have decided to draw my fine line. I can not and won't handle much more crap from people but for once in my life my kids are getting to where I can enjoy them. I have gotten so tired of playing ref for people that won't find different means of getting along. These are grown-ups or so they say. I found it hard to ask for the help that I needed from them but now I am to that point where damn I am tired of being the one to handle everything that comes our way. I am tired of being the one to play cake maker and make things smooth. I am just worn out so hard when I get up from sleeping or when I go to bed that I don't enjoy much. I told my husband the other night I am sick and tired of just walking day in and day out. I am ready to enjoy my life.
He and I are working on getting better. He and I have been talking more and finding more time for each other. This had become such a huge problem for us. I think that he thought I was working against him in everyway possible to hold him back. That started to hurt my feelings and make me cold for him. The way things were I loved him but I was not allowing me to be anywhere close to relying upon him nor did I feel the attraction for him. Some way some how we were both letting everything else consume us that the we that we were once was slowly being lost in the distant. That was hurting to much for me so I had tried to find the excuse for it. There was not one! In our conversation I had to put it to him like this, "In our relationship we have never had anything for us easy going and riding smoothly. There have always been problems for us to find time together. Weather it was me working at night, Him working at night, or just plan out busy schedules but when we were dating we always found time to get together and do something. If nothing but to sit on the couch cuddling on the couch watching movies. Now that we have married nothing changed, we still have different work schedules and him that left for a year but now there are kids involved but we let ourselves slide day in and day out without one thought of the other and how we can find that time to bond. That had to be worked out for our sake because I could not keep on. I could not manage everything and everyone and be there because I was the one suffering through this life." I have realized that in this life you get one time together to enjoy. I am getting older and things are not so great to handle at times but sometimes you do have to say enough.
I am to that point in my life that I want to enjoy my next years happily. Not playing routine lady that can be tossed anything to handle. I want off my anti-depressants, I want more time for me, I want more time for my children. And most importantly if I could have my sanity I want that back too.
Last night we had company, haha we always do. Well, our friend had his son over. Of course the kid was aggrevating per say and I had already said something about putting make up and a bra on him just out of teasing. Well, he dared to continue on about being able to take me. This lead into a wrestling match in my living room and down the hall way. Believe it or not kids are stout nowdays. My weight was overpowering or should have been anyways. But this child could lift me but did have little problems doing so. I had to give in at that one. In doing this to this baby I had a good time. I remember the good old days when I could wrestle like that with my cousin but the only thing is I was not much for overpowering then. :) Of course I felt the age later on but I won't admit anything to him!
Enough of my babble.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS ALL!
posted by Christy at 6:16 AM
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