This year has been going by super fast. For some strange and unknown reason I just can't find the mood for the holidays. I have been trying to find it and can't. We did our Christmas with the girls tonight and they seemed to really enjoy the gifts. It was the first year when Jessica got into opening them herself. I loved it.I would have loved it more to do Santa but hey what can I say. I have to improvise here for the many reasons.
My job is secure for another year anyways. I did find that out this week. He seems real impressed with my work. I am wanting to improve more in the manner in which I handle things but we shall see once the new year starts. My bonus was rather nice and unexpected all the same. I won't complain or brag on it. It helps out. There were others that were depressed more!
At home things are so so. They are not the greatest but not the worst either. Just here. There are my days when I get so pissy with things that I just want some me time. The only problem with that is that there is none for me. I am always doing something or there are always people around. The only time for me is early early in the morning and that is usually when I am in the shower enjoying the shower. Oh the joy. I am not by any means complaining about the house and the people but at some point in time it would be nice for me to have a little break and be able to do as I wish. I am sure that that day is not in the near future by any means.
I wish everyone happy holidays! Hope you enjoy your time with your families.
It is so close to Christmas now that everyone is getting so joyous. I on the other hand am getting stressed out. I need a vacation. Last year this time I was depressed because John was not home for this time of year. This year he is home but things are not flowing smoothly by any means. There is still so much to do and so many things that I would like to get done but no time to do it in.
I sit here at work 2 days from vacation for a week dreading that vacation coming. Dreading what may come about with it. You ask how can someone dread a vacation? Oh let me count the ways.
1. I have never and will never be able to be a stay at home mommy. My child loves to drive me to insanity. I will have a 1year old home with me 24/7, my husband, 26, when he is not working away from home, and then the room mate, 23, that is also suppose to be off for a week. They all seem to want to have the same moods at the same time and bicker but without bickering it out right. Thank goodness the one year old has a limited vocabulary right now or else I woudl be in trouble.
2. Being home means I will find many many things to get done at the house and probably stay home alot of days and nights and not really want out of the house. I have my list started and am checking it twice on things that I should be getting done. It is that one time of year when I can really clean and toss things out. I plan to take full advantage of that somehow.
3. The chaos right now with John starting the business is getting on my last nerve. At first I thought this was going to be tougher on me with stresses and such but that is not the bad part of things. I am handling that well and even doing my best to make things easier on them to get it up and going. (Smacks in head that I offered out help once again.) But I had to realize that that is the last straw of things. I have to make things work out for him and if I have to stay on his butt then so be it. The worst part is handling an irritated boy that won't jump in on things but then gets grumpy with everything going on around him. That I don't handle to well. I can manage my house and kids but grown boys that won't talk but then I get the bunt of all things and suppose to make it glide ain't working.
I have decided to draw my fine line. I can not and won't handle much more crap from people but for once in my life my kids are getting to where I can enjoy them. I have gotten so tired of playing ref for people that won't find different means of getting along. These are grown-ups or so they say. I found it hard to ask for the help that I needed from them but now I am to that point where damn I am tired of being the one to handle everything that comes our way. I am tired of being the one to play cake maker and make things smooth. I am just worn out so hard when I get up from sleeping or when I go to bed that I don't enjoy much. I told my husband the other night I am sick and tired of just walking day in and day out. I am ready to enjoy my life.
He and I are working on getting better. He and I have been talking more and finding more time for each other. This had become such a huge problem for us. I think that he thought I was working against him in everyway possible to hold him back. That started to hurt my feelings and make me cold for him. The way things were I loved him but I was not allowing me to be anywhere close to relying upon him nor did I feel the attraction for him. Some way some how we were both letting everything else consume us that the we that we were once was slowly being lost in the distant. That was hurting to much for me so I had tried to find the excuse for it. There was not one! In our conversation I had to put it to him like this, "In our relationship we have never had anything for us easy going and riding smoothly. There have always been problems for us to find time together. Weather it was me working at night, Him working at night, or just plan out busy schedules but when we were dating we always found time to get together and do something. If nothing but to sit on the couch cuddling on the couch watching movies. Now that we have married nothing changed, we still have different work schedules and him that left for a year but now there are kids involved but we let ourselves slide day in and day out without one thought of the other and how we can find that time to bond. That had to be worked out for our sake because I could not keep on. I could not manage everything and everyone and be there because I was the one suffering through this life." I have realized that in this life you get one time together to enjoy. I am getting older and things are not so great to handle at times but sometimes you do have to say enough.
I am to that point in my life that I want to enjoy my next years happily. Not playing routine lady that can be tossed anything to handle. I want off my anti-depressants, I want more time for me, I want more time for my children. And most importantly if I could have my sanity I want that back too.
Last night we had company, haha we always do. Well, our friend had his son over. Of course the kid was aggrevating per say and I had already said something about putting make up and a bra on him just out of teasing. Well, he dared to continue on about being able to take me. This lead into a wrestling match in my living room and down the hall way. Believe it or not kids are stout nowdays. My weight was overpowering or should have been anyways. But this child could lift me but did have little problems doing so. I had to give in at that one. In doing this to this baby I had a good time. I remember the good old days when I could wrestle like that with my cousin but the only thing is I was not much for overpowering then. :) Of course I felt the age later on but I won't admit anything to him!
Sorry for the sudden drop of interest here. Just alot of things going on at once and the time management is becoming an issue for me. Seems that I just don't have enough time in my day to handle everything that life chooses to set upon me. I am still working my regular job and if this jewelry stuff does not pick up sometime in the near future I am not sure what we will do with it. Suppose keep on working with it and make it go somewhere. John and a buddy chose to start the computer business that John spoke of many times. I am the one stressing on that one. I am not even sure why though. I should not be the one full of stress but I am. Least John still has his other fulltime job to maintain the regular paycheck coming into the household. Thank God for that. I worry that he won't get out and about on time. I worry that he won't get up on time. I worry that he won't keep records good enough. I worry. I am the worrier in the household. Sometimes I feel like the worrier and the glue holding everything together. There has been so much on my mind that I am not so sure where or how to vent it out. But hey one day if you feel the aftermath of explosion it might just be me. I don't know. The kids are okay. Just mean as ever and getting spankings day after day. Nothing wrong with that. Does a butt good! Jessica, the little one, has been sick this week. Bronchial troubles. And I say that because my memory of the exact word the doctor used is absolutely gone. I have no memory left so be forwarned that I am not reliable to remember anything from 30 mins ago much less several days ago. everyone said that would come back but when? ???? Will write more laterl.
