Lost!!!

Here lately I am lost. I am lost in thought or lack there of. I am lost in what i feel. I am just on the lost side of things. I don't know what to think. What to feel. Or even how to act. I have been on vacation this week and I had so much I wanted to do while I was off. What have I done though? NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. I have only wanted to sleep. Just let me have that extra time sleeping. But that does not happen. I chose to keep Jessica home from the babysitters to save that money so I am with her nonstop.

John started his new job and now I am rarely seeing him. You would think that after so long of this I would be immuned to it. I would be immuned to having the feelings rush over me like a wave from the ocean comes over your head knocking you down. I have been real shocked at how my feelings are really playing on me right now. By not seeing him much I have a longing to be wrapped up watching t.v. with him or something. I actually miss him again. I am not sure what that is going to mean for when he and I are home together. I am not sure if he will hit my last nerve when he gets a day off and is with me all day long. I don't really know. We shall see.

I am feeling alright though. I am happy for the most part. I have not accomplished anything for the most part. It sucks but hey I am on vacation right now. :)

My doctor's appointments this week went off great. Things are looking up and I start therapy soonish. We shall see if that helps the shoulder.

Earlier this week I even went to my mother in laws house. She is working on making jewelry. I helped her get some of her inventory into the computer. She is working to get a website up and even do some parties. Anyone interested in seeing her jewelry just let me know. I will see what kinds of pictures I can get taken and post them or something. I am a little excited for her because some of it looks so great.

YAY.. Almost time for my vacation to start.

Well, I am sitting here dwindling away the rest of my time here at work. As I sit here my cell phone vibrates my desk with calls or voicemails. For some reason I feel in no mood to answer them. I cringe at the calls coming in for I fear the ugliness coming out in my tone right now.

Last week or so I got meds for depression. They seemed to be working and taking the edge off of things. There are still some things they don't work that can down anyones moods. The dreaded ex calls my phone any time she feels about bitching about what I have done for Alyssa or whatever. I still have harsh moods with this one. I am not so sure that there is any amount of anything to take that edge off of that one. If only I was not the one that would have to handle it. What a dream that would be. I imagine it is only going to be until I stomp my foot down that things will straighten out there. I feel it coming really soon.

Things at home seem to be better. I can handle all things there right now. As long as there is a gap in the times me and John see each other. That gives us time to miss each other if you will. If we miss each other enough we get along much better. There are still some things that he does that aggrevates the hell out of me. Making him understand this is the hard part. He is starting his new full time job tomorrow that has varied hours. (Thank goodness.)

My day has gone by rather fast today. I have gotten alot of things done but still not as much as I would like. I suppose I have all next week and I can do it then. WE shall see. Lately I have been venturing out more often and getting out of my shell. I am almost back to the way I use to be but I can not tell right now if that is a good thing or a bad thing. My house is lacking because I had chosen to spend some time with the girls while John worked last week. THis week I neglected it out of lack of interest. My job is still in line where it should and improvements are in store for some. I have been on yahoo alot chatting to different people. I got bored one day and went in a chat room. The people are in different countries than I so it has been great getting to hear about their customs and interest. Things like that amaze me.

Well, my vacation is so close to starting. I should clean my desk up and get packed up here. I think tonight the family and I are going to go to the hockey game here in town. I have plans on relaxing at home for vacation. Maybe I will clean. You just never know with me. :)

Vacation Starting soon

Aren't we a pair...

"Mommy I got this"

Sticker faces. What my child finds fun to do.

Hey mommy look at me

And we can do what to beat up daddy?

My vacation is starting at 5Pm today. That is central time. Am I excited? HECK YEAH. Am I ready? HECK YEAH!



My weekend last weekend was great. I will post some pictures. JOhn and I had a great night out last Friday night. I shall post some goofy pictures. My oldest child decided it was attack of the stickers for us and she wanted us to do something crazy.



All is well on my hill for now. John is starting a new full time job and seems to like it.

I AM ALIVE AGAIN!!!

Things have been really hard here lately. I mean really hard. They are now working out for the better with everything.

Yesterday was a great day. My moods are working out to be better. I can function whereas before I was nicely cluttered up with my thoughts and my decisions. I did not want to handle anything because I was doing things alone and was worn out with that one. I had smiled so much yesterday that when I went to bed last night my face was hurting. It was really odd for me. I had not smiled that much and was able to feel relief for a very long time.

I feel better now than I have felt in a very long time. I still have things that will hit my nerve (ex and the bs) but I hope to be able to handle things like I was did before. I feel that maybe I will be able to revive my life in this body and enjoy it more. So far I am able to.

Last night was a good night for me and John. A one sided conversation between the two of us. A cuddling session, many smiles, and just being held. That was what I was in search of before that I thought would be lost forever. I remember the years before and that made me go really sad. Seeing people out and about holding hands being all lovey made me upset because somehow that slipped by me. I felt like I was longing for my companion and not sure that this was getting it anymore. Well, I hope that this new job of John's will help us miss each other and respect each other a little more. I hope that this medicine will work for us and help both of us out of this time. I hope the spice of our life will stick around for some time.

Sometimes seems as if we all loose that sight every now and again. We all get caught off guard and take many things for granite. We don't stop to say that I love you's we should. We don't stop to share new things with our companion. We let time and money get in our way of many of the little things. We are all guilty. Well, I found that if you let life consume you and let time slip by and say there is always tomorrow you will never do it. I want things with my life that mean something. Mean something to me and my kids. I don't care about the money, the fame, the fancy things or brand names I want my family to know the we are in this life to be together and be there always. We are family and love will show more than anything else.

On a separate note, I found out more good news this week. I ran into my ex's little sister at walmart. Well, she ran into me. She was young when her brother and I dated and she walked up called my name in Walmart and started chatting like nothing. It has been a good 6.5 years or so since I have seen her or her brother. She is doing well which I was proud to see. She has really matured alot. I asked about her brother and seems he is doing well for himself as well. I was happy to hear that. I also gave her my number for her to call me sometimes. I hope she will take advantage of that. I do miss her and still care for them. I want nothing bad to come to them. There was a reason she was able to pick me out of the crowd. Maybe one day I will know why. :)

SMILE AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Testing Me!

There are many things going on here for me. Many things that I am not sure how to vent out. Many questions that I may not have an answer to.

Here it is Sunday and I feel as if I have not done anything all weekend. I have been on the go and continue doing and going at things left and right. Today I managed to get in a couple hours of napping after my mood got horrible. I mean so horrible. Here lately my moods have been so bad that I can not tell who is having more problems me or John. I am scheduled for a doctor's appointment for my shoulder and I have promised my best friend that I would talk to the doctor about my moods. The have been coming and going alot during many periods and now I see that they are bad when I have cried for 2 days this past week. Just things hit me wrong and either piss me off or hurt my feelings.

Alyssa's mother tends to hit me wrong every time I speak with her here lately. She is starting to bugg for more money. Which is not going to be able to happen. I hate it for her. I just can not see where she is putting in equal to what John is putting in for the child. I want to be explained to where she is putting $600 a month every month. That is $300 coming from JOhn. Hell, I have a child of my own and we don't spend that much on that child every month. You know? I have tossed that about alot here lately. Of course I know Alyssa is in school and that is costing but some of the shit she is telling me is senseless. Like breakfast at school costing $10 a week. Why can't she feed her at home before she leaves the house. They have things quick and that the child will eat. Of course that takes effort for her to get her butt out of bed to do it. Then you have lunch of $2 a day, okay I got that and it is needed. Then there is snack that is whatever. What is wrong with sending that for her instead of buying it there at the school? We shall see what she has to come up with when it comes to her receipts and expenses for the child. I am anxious to see this and through my thoughts out there.

This weekend she decided to call me up and tell me that John was not spending enough time with Alyssa and she was upset after coming home from being with us. She also says that she thinks we should go to every other weekend on the visitations. I just say WTF ever. John has not made any differences in the kids at all. Alyssa is 5 and has this jealous issue going on because of Jessica. Which is definitely expected. I decided to ask Alyssa to tell us what she liked and disliked about being at the house and then at her mother's house. Seems that she is giving me the same answers. She wants both parents to give her more attention. She says that John is always on the computer and she would like his attention but her mother is wanting her to always play outside and never carries her to the park anymore like she once did. That could be what has to do with the attitude over there. I even tried to talk to her mother about the behavior problems we see and then what would you know.. she had to get off the phone and she never called me back. She refuses for some reason to talk to me about the behavior coming from over there. But I really hate to tell her that all of this is about to come to a head because she is really going to have to sit down and talk to use about everything before I give her anything.

My job is slow right now. We are still hearing that things are going to change as of the first of the year. I am not so sure what exactly that means for me. We shall see. I am sure all things will be fine though. I am still trying to find another house and how to get it built to our dream because I don't want to have to build another house. And I won't. I want so much to move home and be happy and have things to be much better for me. I am just not sure that will happen or even how to make it happen.

Things are so so here at home. Still good and bad times hit every so often. More so than what I would like. I am still wondering when things will all get back to the normal. Still wondering how much more I have to put up with before I explode. I am scared of that. I am scared that one day there is going to be one to much and I will have an explosion. My temper has been getting higher every time I get mad. My attitude is getting worse with every event. I feel like I am the time bomb waiting to go off right now. The stresses hit harder and everyone has there own diagnosis of what is going on with me. I on the other hand am not sure if it is me trying to handle everything or hold everyone together and feeling like it is a helpless cause.